WEEK 10: Some Lessons I have Learnt
The patient has been discharged and is doing well, although I doubt it will ever be quite the same as it was before. Now and then I experience an unidentifiable clunk or tremor when changing gear, but the gear changes and stays changed no matter how hard I stamp on the peddles. At this point I'm inclined to follow the old maxim “If it ain't broke, don't fix it.”
Looking back over my illustrious cycling career so far, I realise how many silly things I've managed to do in a very short time, not all of which found their way onto these pages! The fact that the last few weeks have been relatively quiet is encouraging as it may mean that I have taken some of these hard learned lessons to heart. So, for the betterment of humanity I present some of these pearls of wisdom in the form of questions I have asked myself on occasion, and the answers I have divined from bitter experience.
Presenting...
The Good Cyclist's Guide to Etiquette
Q: What are cycle paths?
A: Cycle paths are individuals suffering from a chronic mental disorder who respond to the presence of cyclists with antisocial or violent behaviour.
Q: Why do drivers hate cyclists?
A: Drivers, otherwise known as Insane, Blundering, Arrogant, Homicidal, Self-Appointed Kings of the Road, are offended by your good looks, robust health, rippling thighs of steel and ability to filter through a traffic jam and get to work on time. However, be aware that there are some cyclists who do not behave courteously to other road users, do not signal turns and fail to obey traffic signs or signals and that Drivers everywhere are making you pay for the mistakes of this minority.
Q: I consider myself a member of the fashionable elite. Do I have to wear a silly helmet?
A: No, you do not have to wear a helmet. Especially not if your name is Robert Hanks and you write for The Independent, in which case only people who don't ride bicycles need to wear safety helmets. This, presumably, is to save them from spending the rest of their lives in a care home where they will pass the time drooling, filling their nappy and thinking with less coherence than your average carrot.
Q: OK, but what about that tasteless high visibility vest? That won't protect me from injury.
A: No, it won't, but it might prevent an injury. As a cyclist it is your job to make yourself as visible as possible to other road users at all times. Unless you are the Immortal Robert Hanks, in which case, by all means, stick to your dark grey T-shirt, dark jeans, black rucksack and complete absence of lights or reflective surfaces. Drivers of articulated lorries shall be alerted to your presence by your amazing telepathic powers, motor cars will pass through you as though through early morning mist and pedestrians crossing the road shall leap over your head like human grasshoppers.
Q: What do I do when a cycle lane is blocked by pedestrians?
A: Remember at all times that Cyclists and Pedestrians are two different species who often speak different languages. For instance, Cyclus expeditus understands that the raised area flanking the road surface may be further sub-divided into a pedestrian lane and a cycle lane. Pedester inertia has no concept of the 'cycle lane' and this, coupled with P. inertia's inability to read simple road markings, often causes it to react with hostility to the presence of a Cyclist within it's territory. This can take the form of intentional obstruction, verbal abuse, threats of violence against one's mother or a combination of the above. There is no sure fire solution to this problem, except perhaps selective sterilisation.
Q: What should I do if I encounter a cyclist while I am walking?
A: As a pedestrian you know that cycling is a mortal sin, that practitioners of cycling are goat worshippers and that the infernal machines upon which they alight are the work of the devil! It is thus your Holy Duty to obstruct these pawns of Satan in any way possible before they corrupt the minds of our women folk with the sight of their well-muscled, sweaty, lycra-clad bodies. The following tactics have been found to be successful: throw yourself bodily in the path of the cyclist at the last possible moment. Scream insults at the cyclist so as to distract him from his evil purpose. Invoke a curse upon the cyclist's debauched progenitors. By these means shall we cleanse the public highway of this foul menace!
Looking back over my illustrious cycling career so far, I realise how many silly things I've managed to do in a very short time, not all of which found their way onto these pages! The fact that the last few weeks have been relatively quiet is encouraging as it may mean that I have taken some of these hard learned lessons to heart. So, for the betterment of humanity I present some of these pearls of wisdom in the form of questions I have asked myself on occasion, and the answers I have divined from bitter experience.
Presenting...
The Good Cyclist's Guide to Etiquette
Q: What are cycle paths?
A: Cycle paths are individuals suffering from a chronic mental disorder who respond to the presence of cyclists with antisocial or violent behaviour.
Q: Why do drivers hate cyclists?
A: Drivers, otherwise known as Insane, Blundering, Arrogant, Homicidal, Self-Appointed Kings of the Road, are offended by your good looks, robust health, rippling thighs of steel and ability to filter through a traffic jam and get to work on time. However, be aware that there are some cyclists who do not behave courteously to other road users, do not signal turns and fail to obey traffic signs or signals and that Drivers everywhere are making you pay for the mistakes of this minority.
Q: I consider myself a member of the fashionable elite. Do I have to wear a silly helmet?
A: No, you do not have to wear a helmet. Especially not if your name is Robert Hanks and you write for The Independent, in which case only people who don't ride bicycles need to wear safety helmets. This, presumably, is to save them from spending the rest of their lives in a care home where they will pass the time drooling, filling their nappy and thinking with less coherence than your average carrot.
Q: OK, but what about that tasteless high visibility vest? That won't protect me from injury.
A: No, it won't, but it might prevent an injury. As a cyclist it is your job to make yourself as visible as possible to other road users at all times. Unless you are the Immortal Robert Hanks, in which case, by all means, stick to your dark grey T-shirt, dark jeans, black rucksack and complete absence of lights or reflective surfaces. Drivers of articulated lorries shall be alerted to your presence by your amazing telepathic powers, motor cars will pass through you as though through early morning mist and pedestrians crossing the road shall leap over your head like human grasshoppers.
Q: What do I do when a cycle lane is blocked by pedestrians?
A: Remember at all times that Cyclists and Pedestrians are two different species who often speak different languages. For instance, Cyclus expeditus understands that the raised area flanking the road surface may be further sub-divided into a pedestrian lane and a cycle lane. Pedester inertia has no concept of the 'cycle lane' and this, coupled with P. inertia's inability to read simple road markings, often causes it to react with hostility to the presence of a Cyclist within it's territory. This can take the form of intentional obstruction, verbal abuse, threats of violence against one's mother or a combination of the above. There is no sure fire solution to this problem, except perhaps selective sterilisation.
Q: What should I do if I encounter a cyclist while I am walking?
A: As a pedestrian you know that cycling is a mortal sin, that practitioners of cycling are goat worshippers and that the infernal machines upon which they alight are the work of the devil! It is thus your Holy Duty to obstruct these pawns of Satan in any way possible before they corrupt the minds of our women folk with the sight of their well-muscled, sweaty, lycra-clad bodies. The following tactics have been found to be successful: throw yourself bodily in the path of the cyclist at the last possible moment. Scream insults at the cyclist so as to distract him from his evil purpose. Invoke a curse upon the cyclist's debauched progenitors. By these means shall we cleanse the public highway of this foul menace!
posted by Mike Ranson at 2:14 pm
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